Local Church Changes Easter Service
A Dark Corner Vignette - Always Fictional, Somewhat Factual
Dark Corner, SC – The Broad Way Community Church, known throughout the Dark Corner as a haven for progressives and free-thinkers, changed their Easter service liturgy last Sunday. When faced with the dilemma of the Easter service running past 12:00pm and causing a riot among church members late for Sunday dinner, those in charge of the service had a choice – eliminate the musical Easter Cantata or eliminate Holy Communion.
The church members were polled and the Cantata was left intact. Chrissy Trout, member of the Sanctified Soul Crush Interpretive Dance Team, summed it up best, “My mama made me take extra tap lessons for that Cantata. She said we never did have communion half the time anyway and it ain’t expensive like tap – just some old stale bread and grape juice, so what did it matter if we missed it on Easter. Mama says that sometimes Jesus likes a little dancing, too.”
Several deacons voiced concern for the spiritual welfare of the church members. They decided that communion would be boxed up and handed out to each member as they left the building after the Easter service. Each box would contain a vial of Welch’s grape juice and a crumb of bread along with a piece of paper with directions on which element to eat first. The response was overwhelming. Deacon Junior Riddle exclaimed, “I have never felt so close to Jesus as I did when I ripped open that box, ate that bread and juice and then threw that box up in the air. It was a flat out high – a real spiritual happy meal.”
Not to be outdone by such a radical distribution of the elements, Narrow Culvert Anti-Community Church, recently split from Broad Way Community, upped the ante on Holy Communion convenience. In a move sure to be criticized as a major escalation in the Cheap Grace Race that has recently enveloped local evangelical churches, they are building an easy access drive-thru on the side of the sanctuary, complete with a menu board and an intercom for ordering.
Though not open for service yet, they can hardly disappoint with such future favorites as the Holy Communion Combo Number 1, the Sunrise Eucharist Wafer Waffle or the family sized Last Supper Dinner featuring St. Peter’s triple fried chicken. The Last Supper Dinner offers an optional St. Thomas’ triple hot sauce for those who doubt - and you know who you are. Also, in a move sure to delight their communicants, Narrow Culvert struck a sponsorship deal with Nu-Grape soda to compete against the more traditional Welch’s grape juice offered at Broad Way. Said 14 year old Les Higginbotham, the first drive through trainee, “I just can’t wait until somebody yells through the loud speaker – Biggie Size that Nu-Grape, mister!”
All characters are fictional but the article contains at least on fact. Guaranteed.