Rifle Club Hosts Meth Cook-Off Challenge
A Dark Corner Vignette - Always Fictional, Somewhat Factual
Dark Corner, SC - The 4th annual Dark Corner Methamphetamine Cook-Off Challenge was held at the Dark Corner Rifle Club last week. The popular event attracted over four hundred attendees with cooking teams from as far away as Dry Socket, West Virginia coming to show their cooking skills and share their secret recipes.
The judges included several local pastors and politicians including state senator Odell “Big Mouth” Trout, a notorious panderer to _____________ (please insert the identity group that makes you most comfortable).
Sen. Trout sponsored the local option referendum bill in the General Assembly 5 years ago legalizing the possession, manufacturing and distribution of all Schedule 1 and Schedule 2 drugs with certain exceptions granted for rape, incest and the life of me . . . oh wait . . . that was a different bill. Anyway . . .
The competition was brisk with the final cook-off featuring the local brother-sister team of Ronnie and Ronnelle Aiken against an out-of-town team known only as the Tennessee Torchers. Sampling was intense with the Big Mouth Cooking Cup going to the Torchers. The trophy was proudly presented to the winners by the Senator’s sister, the renowned Adele Trout, who hollered, “They did FINE, FINE, FINE!”
The event was not without controversy. An altercation erupted after the announcement of the winner when Archie Higginbotham began chanting, “they was using generics in their mix, they was using generics in their mix – if it ain’t real Sudafed, it ain’t fit for a methhead.”
Sheriff Johnny Mac Aiken and his deputies detained Higginbotham after he threw an empty propane bottle at the Torchers. One team member suffered minor teeth injuries and was recovering in the Rifle Club kennel and dog park. The bottle was later identified as an heirloom-quality Bernz-O-Matic Model 1.
Each year, the Rifle Club donates part of the revenue from the Challenge to a family who has a member incarcerated for meth production. This year the Challenge benefited the family of Ray Higginbotham, who was convicted 6 months before the legalization bill passed. He is serving 20 to life for handing out meth samples at the Dark Corner Completely Normal School. When Judge Justus Pile asked him why he chose a schoolyard, he replied, “I was just doing it for the kids.”
As an added benefit this year, the organizers provided booth space for different vendors who target recreational meth users. The vendors included a wide array of dentists, endodontists, and oral surgeons with a denture raffle sponsored by the Big Mouth Denture Company. The focus on oral healthcare was a reminder of this years Challenge motto: “When the Dark Corner is a healthy place it has a smiley face.”
All characters are fictional but the article contains at least one fact. Guaranteed.
